The Web and The Gargoyle

My gargoyle usually spends most of his days in the kitchen with his ropes. When I'd let him out in the morning, he used to get up, clean his cage and start rubbing hemp between his thighs. His productivity has taken a hit however since he's recently discovered the Internet (he tried to hide his new pastime from me, but the puddles on and around my laptop kind of gave him away).

He now has profiles on Web sites which allow him to meet and greet people from around the world. In three weeks, he's gotten over 300 friends on Facebook despite the fact that he's functionally illiterate in any modern language. It seems that as long as he presses the spacebar every two or three letters, he can communicate with the IM generation.

A sample:

urg 5d fr dse tor nn

...apparently is being interpreted in Web World that he's looking for a small-statured ichthyophiliac woman with her own hedgecutters who enjoys kayaking.

For the past few days, he has been mashing my keyboard in communicating with a strange young lass from London. I've read his message logs and they've been webcamming. She likes his hairy ears and "would love to feel his claws scratching her back". This goes to show that anyone can find a kindred spirit if they look hard enough. I'm just a little jealous that my "cute, fat-tongued little ball of hunkiness" (her words) is getting more attention from the fairer sex than I am.

*sigh*

They're planning on meeting this spring, as she is an avid ice hockey fan and wants to cross the Atlantic, coming to the sport's Mecca for the playoffs. This is ironic as he doesn't have the slightest idea what a toothless puck-pusher looks like (hockey is banned in my home. Yes, I'm a traitor to the French-Canadian race). I'm just wondering how I'm going to be liable if she lets go of his chains in the Bell Centre and he starts dry-humping Youppi!, our orange hairball of a mascot*.

...I doubt many other people have these worries.

*sigh*

*Please note that I was the biggest Expos fan ever. This past summer, I got Youppi!'s autograph at a charity baseball game (I also got Andre Dawson's :D). The narrative required me to keep up my cynical tone, but I've been in love with our mascot since my first steps. The fact that he wears the Habs' uniform now just hurts.