Q&A

In the past few months, I have received a certain number of questions from the VAAAAAST audience reading this blog (read: my mom and a Croatian dude whom I ill-advisedly friendbooked and who keeps sending me videos of a mousy, tone-deaf Balkan chick singing about Red Bull). Here are some answers:

What does Gargy eat?

In the wild, and contrary to popular belief, gargoyles do NOT eat any birds or rodents they can get their claws on. They actually have a rather... symbiotic relationship with pigeons. While I can't go into to much detail without causing widespread upchucking... let's just say that gargoyles are really good at tossing popcorn into the air and into their mouths. It's practice. For what pigeons toss into the air. Pigeons in turn practice their aim on statues.

(Alright. That's far enough).

As my little hemp boiler now spends his every waking moment in chains and pigeons have not yet infested my living space, I feed him dollar-store dry dog food and, every few months, I'll give him whatever rancid furry vegetable matter I find when I open the drawer at the bottom of the fridge.

Oh, and gargoyles don't EAT rats, but they do enjoy using them as hacky sacks.

Whatever happened to Jade Dragon?

No one really knows. She has always been rather discrete with regards to her professional life, saying only that she is "in the military". One time I made a comment on how I would like to gut some guy who had just cut me off and she asked if I had the appropriate cutlery on me and whether it was sharp enough. Given that it was winter, she also explained that hanging the entrails on a lamppost would provide a good source of protein to her friends the ravens.

...oh, and I got a charming bloodstained postcard from her which was postmarked "Kandahar". I don't think I'll be asking too many questions when she returns.

Can gargoyles really speak?

Yes. From what I've gathered, the average gargoyle is quite eloquent. Gargy just seems to be a little "slower" than his brethren. I'll keep zapping him with the shock collar to see if I can't rewire his synapses.

Any news from the Crazy Ex?

She's still making videos and boinking her mocha-skinned goddess and rebuking my attempts to join them.

These stories are all made up, right?

As mentioned - twice - in the last post, I'm not smart or demented enough to come up with these things.

How can Gargy walk around? Won't people notice that there's a GARGOYLE in their midst?

Montréal is a place where one can generally act as strangely as one wants, usually without attracting a second glance. Gargy kind of fits in with the young'uns when he slobbers and bounces around spastically.

People around here DO however take exception to street exorcisms of nattily-dressed teenaged girls (my church group needs to be more discrete with its kidnappings).

I'm thinking of getting married. What is your advice?

Make sure she is still a virgin and will remain undemanding. Some women get these "expectations" that just screw the whole concept up. Also, there have been wonderful advancements in the field of female chastity belts recently.

When is Gargy's birthday?

Gargy's birth predates the Gregorian calendar. From what I can gather, he was born "two moons and six suns after the Happy Moldavian Parsnip-Sitting Festival". We accept gifts year-round however (Gargy prefers cash).

Do you REALLY beat him??

"Beat" is a misleading term. Gargoyles are inherently hard-working beasts, they just have a lousy sense of time. Flogging him kind of restarts his inner metronome. In my managerial experience, paddling also works on supermarket cashiers while strangulation gets software programmers going.